Of life-partners and the "process" of discovering them.
P.S: The post is quite loooong. Read it at ur own risk. Didn't say I didn't warn you enuf
It's been six months now since I know A. It's been a pleasure knowing him. A self-confessed adrenaline junkie! Personification of a typical Capricorn. Independent, confident, strong willed, hardworking, unemotional, shrewd, practical, responsible and persevering.
His mood swings; he becomes surprisingly and suddenly witty and subtle for the quiet, might seem reserved to some, and has a tendency to ruin things by unexpected and utterly irresponsible bouts of behaviour. He can make you laugh through twenty different ways, multiplied by twenty one to make you cry and deals with six different people in five different ways!! Goofs up big time and fills his routine quota of regrets.
And he is also Single. Not actually. He's dating V. V and A have been good pals since almost 2 yrs now, ever since A's university days. Dating V, according to A, is a process whereby which he can ascertain whether she is eligible to be his life partner. They "seem" to know each other well; spend hours on the phone talking about everything under the sun, but aren't sure whether they are made for each other.
When we talk of a life partner, we usually think of that one "special" individual that we fall in love with and would life happily ever after. A person who touches your life. A person who shows you to yourself.
Close relationships, according to me, either can start or evolve into, a partnership. A relationship offers a constant reminder of the work that both the people involved have to do. It's the people involved who can transform an ordinary relationship into a precious gift of life time partnership. It's all in our hands. Relationships according to me is an act of playfulness. It's all about intimate sharing, where parts of our shadows are also exposed, sometimes, to test each other's degree of acceptance. A sense of belonging - a face of love.
Coming back to A. He might also live-in (move-in) with V. They are trying to work "this" aspect of their relationship out, to get to know each other "BETTER". He says the intention behind this kinda set-up is to NOT satisfy his physical needs, but to assay whether they are meant for each other or No! It's like, "Try before you buy", "Rent-a-partner", or like, "Buy today, Use it and return tommorrow. Sorry, there would be no refund policy upon return"! Agreed that a live-in relationship is about two people living together out of mutual consent with no legitimate bond whatsoever. No wedding, no security, no alimony. A says, "Niks, what's the big deal about living in"?? Feel like SCREAMING out loud and telling him, "Lack of commitment". A relationship where a person is free to walk out of it as and when he/she pleases. No one is questionable to the other. Darn, it sounds so peachy to ME!! According to me, it's a relationship with "all" the the fringe benefits of matrimony and no legal attachments. The thought just disgusts ME!
I understand that it's important to know your partner before you get married, and even if they do, it doesn't mean they ARE going to live happily with each other. Is a LIVE-IN relationship the "ONLY" way to get to know your partner before you tie the knot? Can a LIVE-IN relationship be a substitute to marriage?
Marriage is about hard-work, patience and compromise. It is NOT about finding the right partner but about learning to live happily with whomsoever you have been paired up with.
Reminds me of Shakespeare's sonnet 116,
SONNET 116
Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O no! it is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.
Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle's compass come:
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved.
What say you??
It's been six months now since I know A. It's been a pleasure knowing him. A self-confessed adrenaline junkie! Personification of a typical Capricorn. Independent, confident, strong willed, hardworking, unemotional, shrewd, practical, responsible and persevering.
His mood swings; he becomes surprisingly and suddenly witty and subtle for the quiet, might seem reserved to some, and has a tendency to ruin things by unexpected and utterly irresponsible bouts of behaviour. He can make you laugh through twenty different ways, multiplied by twenty one to make you cry and deals with six different people in five different ways!! Goofs up big time and fills his routine quota of regrets.
And he is also Single. Not actually. He's dating V. V and A have been good pals since almost 2 yrs now, ever since A's university days. Dating V, according to A, is a process whereby which he can ascertain whether she is eligible to be his life partner. They "seem" to know each other well; spend hours on the phone talking about everything under the sun, but aren't sure whether they are made for each other.
When we talk of a life partner, we usually think of that one "special" individual that we fall in love with and would life happily ever after. A person who touches your life. A person who shows you to yourself.
Close relationships, according to me, either can start or evolve into, a partnership. A relationship offers a constant reminder of the work that both the people involved have to do. It's the people involved who can transform an ordinary relationship into a precious gift of life time partnership. It's all in our hands. Relationships according to me is an act of playfulness. It's all about intimate sharing, where parts of our shadows are also exposed, sometimes, to test each other's degree of acceptance. A sense of belonging - a face of love.
Coming back to A. He might also live-in (move-in) with V. They are trying to work "this" aspect of their relationship out, to get to know each other "BETTER". He says the intention behind this kinda set-up is to NOT satisfy his physical needs, but to assay whether they are meant for each other or No! It's like, "Try before you buy", "Rent-a-partner", or like, "Buy today, Use it and return tommorrow. Sorry, there would be no refund policy upon return"! Agreed that a live-in relationship is about two people living together out of mutual consent with no legitimate bond whatsoever. No wedding, no security, no alimony. A says, "Niks, what's the big deal about living in"?? Feel like SCREAMING out loud and telling him, "Lack of commitment". A relationship where a person is free to walk out of it as and when he/she pleases. No one is questionable to the other. Darn, it sounds so peachy to ME!! According to me, it's a relationship with "all" the the fringe benefits of matrimony and no legal attachments. The thought just disgusts ME!
I understand that it's important to know your partner before you get married, and even if they do, it doesn't mean they ARE going to live happily with each other. Is a LIVE-IN relationship the "ONLY" way to get to know your partner before you tie the knot? Can a LIVE-IN relationship be a substitute to marriage?
Marriage is about hard-work, patience and compromise. It is NOT about finding the right partner but about learning to live happily with whomsoever you have been paired up with.
Reminds me of Shakespeare's sonnet 116,
SONNET 116
Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O no! it is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.
Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle's compass come:
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved.
What say you??
"Live-in partners", "domestic relationship', "keeping company", "living in sin"…whatever label you put to it, the concept is the same. Until sometime this concept was a blatant display of "Western Culture". But it's diff now. The emphasis now lies on practicality.
ReplyDeleteLiving together, most importantly, includes sleeping with each other. There's no give and take. It just takes care of the physiological appetite. For me, a LIVE-IN relationship is considered as the worst thing next to the H-Bomb.
Most ppl, especially living abroad, go in for live-in r'ships 'cause they are alone! There's no fun in coming to an empty house, cook urself, do the cleaning, groceries etc etc...and ofcourse, GO TO BED ALONE!
But a live-in r'ship is NOT the solution. People who are afraid of committment try the live-in relationship, I believe. Otherwise what is wrong in marriage when anyway, u want to live together?
I completely agree with you. Nice topic.
--Sheetal.
Abhishek
ReplyDeleteJokes apart,so u too like this A is it?
Have I mentioned anything like that in the entire post? Yes, I like him as a FRIEND.
n its some sort of a one way traffic is it?
Nahhhhhh...It's nutthing of this sort!
A is a good pal and V is his "Ms.Mebbe" ! :D
A, no offence!
I don't understand.... why do ppl want to marry after a 'trail' of live-in relationship?? Moving in together is a gigantic step. Living in with someone means that you move from a life in which you were the "sole proprietor" to one in which you are a full and equal partner with someone else (for "all" ur needs).
ReplyDeleteR'ships like these are viewed primarily in the light of getting needs met, so the ppl involved try to control it and make it go their respective ways. Consciously or unconsciously, they try to manipulate the other in order to get what they want from them.
A BIG NO-NO!
--Vijz
If LIVe-IN doesnot work for say a person "X", how can he be sure, Live-in turned into marraige is gonna work for him?
ReplyDeleteIts all between individuals involved, how they look into it. If the spark is there, even the feelings can make a lot of difference.
At times, when I think about ma future, Im sure mine will be arrange marriage...but will she understand me as a person, how far will I accept her, understand her...and reciprocate back properly.
Do I need to go for "try-before-you-buy"??
Naaah...that is not ma type.
This post was pretty long one, but you had a good point in there. Lot of people are talking about LIVE-IN these days. I just cant stand this system. Dunno why....
Personally, i wudn't go in for such a relationship. even with all the pros, i think one problem is we start expecting too much out of such relationships and a very important factor in making relationships work is compromise and the will to compromise which somehow seems lacking to me in such scenarios.
ReplyDelete--Richa.
Very thoughtful Niki-pie...nice blog...and a nicer post.
ReplyDeleteI agree with everyone on this...being in love is very different compared to staying together. Things definitely arent the same when it comes to sharing bathrooms and other stuff as opposed to baudy, boisterous drunken nights. Live in relationship I think is NOT the best way to gauge a person with whom u want to spend ur entire life.
--Suraj
Nikssss..its a thought provoking post..good one..
ReplyDeleteI believe that you can get to know a person better, his/her idiosyncrasies, decision making abilities, rationality ,maturity,insecurities,shortcomings(tolerable or not),whether he/she has any strong unhealthy opinion etc. by "being" with her.Its NOT necessary that only after "living-in" together that a decision can me made whether the relationship is phasing out or the chemistry still exists.
I, for sure, know that a live-in relationship is NOT a much safe bet on deciding whether a relationship is working or not.
Amit.H
Most ppl relate "living-in" as "sleeping together". Yes, more often than never it boils down to 2 ppl sharing different beds (at one point) to sharing one (some time later). I feel that if there is heat between the two, the grosser instict is inevitable and will follow even if they live poles apart and happen to meet once in a while. Sex is a mutual decision taken by two consenting adults(if you may) at a given time and has no geographical constraints.
ReplyDeleteBut having said this, I also agree tht r'ships are all about accepting people as they are. A partner who doesn't change you is very hard to find. People are not meant to be perfect..they are REAL and imperfect".
My message to A
If you love her then there is no reason for you to know her "BETTER". You have to accept her with all her faults and flaws just as the way she's accept you. Each one of us has annoying habits which your partner (in this case 'v') has to be contend with. If she loves you, she will be able to cope with them.
Rahul.
@ Niks
ReplyDeleteThe sonnet captured the innocence and eternity of love. I wish I could sustain for lifelong the kind of love which Shakespear talks about.
Sana.
Sana
ReplyDeleteI TOO want to love senselessly and be loved back with a similar or with a better level of intensity.
*Amen*!
Rahul:
ReplyDeleteI agree, mate!
When you are living-in with the hope of unravelling basic, glaring and highly polarized aspects between each other, I believe they are gonna stand out like a thorn anyway, even without two people having to live in the same room all the time. Both of them would be fools to be blinded by love and not realizing such kinda issues upfront so eventually, such a relationship is gonna fail one way or the other.
Arz000n
ReplyDeleteMarriage means responsibilities and the thought of having to be accountable to someone, and be held responsible for their actions scares them. They want to leave a door open for them to make a smooth exit when the going gets tough or they just fall out of love. Under the guise of giving each other their space, what is really happening is that a distance is developing between them. The concept of "oneness" isn't acceptable to them. That is why they decide to live together and then decide whether they want to be married or no.
Lots of activity goin' on in here...
ReplyDeletehmmm good post...shall comment later...
where have u been? Dn't have the deceny to even pick up da call!!
Seems the lady is really really buzzy...
wot's da plans for the weekend?
--Dee