What to Accept when you are Expecting.
For most women, the first "Oh my god! I'm having a baby!" moment comes when the pee stick flashes the second blue/pink line. That event is filled with anxiety, fear, elation and, humor - a combination of all the emotions that helps carry us through the next nine months. For a lot of us, it's like openly confessing to having sex when you pay for those sticks at the pharmacy :P. No matter what the emotion is, this experience is always savored. Regardless of whether it's with the first child, second or nth. It is always stored in the corners of our mind, even after the test is tossed away once it's proved it's point.
What follows is a series of happy times - when the doctor tells everything looks okay and there's nothing to worry about. When you see the ultrasound, you hear the heartbeat, and you start to imagine yourself as a parent. With google answering and preparing you, more than the doctor does, for what lies ahead - what to do when the water breaks, rushing to the hospital, what essentials to pack in your hospital bag, how to hold a part of your heart for the first time, if no complications come your way. Complications - grave ones that lead to the expectant mother's death or a chance that the mother looses the baby even before it has a chance to develop. Life-threatening, either way.
To the mother who couldn't labor in pain to birth her child,
Please know that we understand how lonely you feel; how tired you get of seeing life's blessings happening around you each day. I know how agonizing it is to realize you won't see your baby in the first-hour-of-life after birth. To not hear their first distinct exclamation proclaiming their presence to the world. To not hold them, feel their tiny bodies against you, and gaze at the wonder before you. We know that behind every tear, every angry word said is YOU grieving for your child. Would-be-parents who are crying woeful for their child whose embrace they no longer will feel, no longer visualize its future, no longer hear its voice. I'm fully aware of the beauty in the moments of holding your child, gasping of your breath in the glory of the child you created, and the moments when grandparents set their eyes on their grandchild(ren).
It is going to take you a while to really laugh, enjoy a lunch date, or even eat a meal without choking on tears. People will tell you its okay and you wondering if it really will be is very legitimate. Looking at other kids in the neighborhood or at a store - hearing their laughter, feeling their joy, seeing them smile, is going to pull you down and allow your anger to sprout wings. But, anger only gives birth to despair. And, that's not what you want. You want clarity on the reasons, and that will bring you to reality. To calm down, regain strength that keeps your feet moving, meeting doctors and discussing options. Wiping away tears, listening to others, hugging, comforting, and absorbing the pain.
Dear You,
Please stay courageous and hopeful. Continue to pray with perseverance and whisper your mighty wishes. They never go unnoticed. Don't give in, give up, or walk away. The light of hope will shine, and you will return to life before all this, one day.
