How far is too far?
"Why does everyone in the "society" makes a big deal about having sex before marriage"?, Amit says.
"Do you feel that pre-marital sex is a question of morality, self-restraint or of sin"?, He continues.
"No. There has to be a more objective approach. Sex just for fun and without responsibility is something I don't encourage.", I told him.
He says he's had a physical relationship with his girlfriend and it got them closer. They spent a lot of time together and learnt to listen to each other a lot more. He believes that sex before marriage can be beneficial and that sexual compatibility contributes a long way to a happy and a complete marriage. He says, technically it is right for people to say that love is more important than sex, but people who claim that they could have a happy marriage without being sexually compatible with their partner is just not being true to him/herself.
My say on this topic is that most people say that waiting for marriage will make sex much better, and that if you are not a virgin at the time of ur marriage, you are taking away something meant specially for your spouse. I want to know the 'reasoning' behind this. My argument is that anyone who has waited till marriage to have a sexual relationship has no reason for comparisonm, because they don't know that their feelings for sex with their partners would be any different had they engaged into pre-marital sex. I don't know what constitutes a marriage more - making love or being in love? . I find it hard to believe that if you are not a virgin when you are married means you and your spouse cannot share a beautiful thing. Instead I tend to believe that the reason behing waiting for marriage is just to avoid mistakes such as pregnancy. I believe that if you are truly in love, then there is nothing wrong in expressing your feelings by the art of touch. I am not advocating premarital sex per se. I am just saying I don't need a piece of paper to remind me who I love!
How many of you agree with abstinence of sex until marriage?. I do want to understand your thoughts on this. Do comment. Mebbe I am missing something that others are seeing so clearly.
"Do you feel that pre-marital sex is a question of morality, self-restraint or of sin"?, He continues.
"No. There has to be a more objective approach. Sex just for fun and without responsibility is something I don't encourage.", I told him.
He says he's had a physical relationship with his girlfriend and it got them closer. They spent a lot of time together and learnt to listen to each other a lot more. He believes that sex before marriage can be beneficial and that sexual compatibility contributes a long way to a happy and a complete marriage. He says, technically it is right for people to say that love is more important than sex, but people who claim that they could have a happy marriage without being sexually compatible with their partner is just not being true to him/herself.
My say on this topic is that most people say that waiting for marriage will make sex much better, and that if you are not a virgin at the time of ur marriage, you are taking away something meant specially for your spouse. I want to know the 'reasoning' behind this. My argument is that anyone who has waited till marriage to have a sexual relationship has no reason for comparisonm, because they don't know that their feelings for sex with their partners would be any different had they engaged into pre-marital sex. I don't know what constitutes a marriage more - making love or being in love? . I find it hard to believe that if you are not a virgin when you are married means you and your spouse cannot share a beautiful thing. Instead I tend to believe that the reason behing waiting for marriage is just to avoid mistakes such as pregnancy. I believe that if you are truly in love, then there is nothing wrong in expressing your feelings by the art of touch. I am not advocating premarital sex per se. I am just saying I don't need a piece of paper to remind me who I love!
How many of you agree with abstinence of sex until marriage?. I do want to understand your thoughts on this. Do comment. Mebbe I am missing something that others are seeing so clearly.
Hi Niks,
ReplyDeleteGood Morning! Shall come back and read the post. Just read a few lines...nice topic.
C ya.
Amit.H
** I believe that if you are truly in love, then there is nothing wrong in expressing your feelings by the art of touch.
ReplyDeleteI agree with that too. But the problem is that not alot of young ppl know what Love really is until after they do it all and regret it was just Lust.
Keshi.
Niki,
ReplyDeleteNice topic to debate on. I think its a personal choice. Me personally, I don't think that it matters much either way...I think that this decision is one that we'll have to make considering our own personal circumstances...and this is the one piece of advice that I would give to every couple struggling with this problem: what's right for others might not be right for you.
*~Richa~*
Niki,
ReplyDeleteSexual union is the ultimate act of givingness, openness, trust and honesty. I dnt feel its wrong b4 marriage.
~Sheetal.
Niki,
ReplyDeletePersonally, I think its just a practical choice. I went out with a girl who wasn't a virgin, except I thought she was until about 3 months into our relationship. Finding out was the most emotionally painful experience of my life, and ultimately it destroyed our relationship. Its not that I couldn't forgive her, its just that I wasn't emotionally strong enough to deal with it.
Having said that, I do think premarital sex is wrong. If two people aren't prepared to commit to each other in an official marriage, then they're not committed enough to have sex.
Rahul.
Nikita,
ReplyDeleteThe problem with canned morality is that life doesn't happen according to a script. There are other ways that are just as good, and better for the people they affect. The world is too large for one religion. Marriage has nothing to do with premarital sex. Marriage is a man-made concept. There is no marriage in the jungle. There are life-partners. Ducks and lions are generally monogamous. Cats and dogs generally are not. Humans can go either way.
-Amit.H
Nikita,
ReplyDeleteBrowsing thru blos and came across urs..u have a nice one. always updated. Read some of ur past blogs and it was painful to read of what you went thru.
Live to the fullest
Age to the fullest
Get bald to the fullest
...and if possible,Die with a smile.
That's my motto. Now that being said,to answer your question: Is premarital sex right or wrong? I say that there is no right or wrong. What is "right" for one person may not seem "right" for another.Quoting George Lucas,"There is no good or bad.It's just a point of view." The same can be said for right or wrong.
Chintan.
Keshi
ReplyDeleteyoung ppl know what Love really is
I don't think this is a case of maturity.It's rather a mentality.
Farhana
ReplyDeleteI say whatever works best for you and makes you happiest is what you should do. Different lifestyles work for different people. One person may be perfectly happy being absitent until marraige and monogomous in marraige. Another may be happiest being a pansexual swinger. Some people feel sex is deeply intertwined with love, others think it's fine as a purely physical pleasure. It's your personal choice whether to abstain from it or give in into it as and how the situation arises.
Richa
ReplyDeleteI guess for me what really governs whether a couple is ready for sex or not is if they actually love eachother. I am not talking about being 'in love', which most couples are before they reach a certian level of maturity (either from age or experience).
A person must realize that engaging in premarital sex DOES have a decent risk of serious consequences. The results of one night of passion can very easliy turn into a lifetime of regret. Be warned and be ready to accept the natural consequences of your actions.
AJ
ReplyDeleteFirst nights did I hear you speak of? Does having sex on the first night with the partner you are married to bring any gurantee of a long lasting r'ship? Why does the committment factor disappear when two people having sex on the "FIRST" night file in for a divorce even before they celebrate their 'FIRST' anniversary?
What different do people learn when they engage in "FIRST-TIME-SEX" and sex on the "FIRST NIGHT"? Majority of the times it's only the partners that are different.
Becoz if it was Love that person would never ever leave the other person.
I disagree. I know of people who have parted ways despite being in love with each other, due to circumstances than their own selfish motives.
Someone who would fight for you with the world.
Is fighting with the world a pre-requisite to having sex? Say, for eg. You like a person today, u get intimate, you stand up for your r'ship against the world..and 6 months down the line you realize that the person you love so much is not the right kinda person for you..he is the one who takes you for granted and tortures you physically or mentally? Would u still stay in that r'ship just cause you had sex and you fought up for it?
Yes, sex is an individual choice. Love/committment/marriage has nothing to do with it.
Amit
ReplyDeleteA piece of paper or a holy man saying "you are now wed" is not what will make me love and cherish my partner. Rather it is the friendship, the love, the emotional bond... And most of those marriages that end in divorce are due to an immature decision to get married. Getting married doesn't automatically impose commitment on the relationship
I agree with you.
As far as morality is concerned, moral values change from
ReplyDeletecountry to country, things moral in india r immoral in other
countries and vice versa. In india moral values were and r
created,decided by priests and politicians and both r
bullshits. They have condemmed sex, hypnotized people with
wrong beliefs and dogmas,they made sex somethin serious, so
people feel guilty for just reading, discussing, watching
somethin about sex.
I think new generations emphasis shouldn't be on moral values
but on "values of life ".
Sex should be fun,normal thing.
In india sex not available freely so people try by other
means like prostitutes,dance bars, rapes all these r result
of condemming sex.
Whereas people in western countries have it abundantly so
they r turning towards god, last week i read in newspaper
that asians search mostly for sex on google while westerners
search for god.
Tantra says that boys and girls r most potent at the age of
17-18 , after that they start losing there vitality and
vigour, they never ll be able to experience orgasm.
If we r going to wait for marraiges which in india happen at
age of 25-30 i think we miss the real thing.
"I believe that if you are truly in love, then there is
nothing wrong in expressing your feelings by the art of
touch"
Perfect, but why just touch ?
" I find it hard to believe that if you are not a virgin when
you are married means you and your spouse cannot share a
beautiful thing."
If man is going to marry a woman for that beautiful thing,
its going to be a failure.
"Instead I tend to believe that the reason behind waiting for
marriage is just to avoid mistakes such as pregnancy."
Ohh nowadays we got a hell lot of contraceptives.
"Why does everyone in the "society" makes a big deal about
having sex before marriage"?
Because people's mind have been polluted by priests and
politicians.We need brainwash, no i think we need education.
We need to build a right perspective towards sex.
If two people no problems in having, the society shouldn't
bother.
It should not be just bodily,not from lust point of view ,
but from love point of view.
Two energies meet each other and explore themselves.
It should be a fun.
Tantra recommends sex without ejaculation, that is real sex.
Ejaculation is loss of vital energy, when two bodies melt
into each other without ejaculation they experience real
bliss.
Well what haunts me to is can we live without marriages ?
i think YES we can.
-sp
**I don't think this is a case of maturity.It's rather a mentality.
ReplyDeletetrue Niki but it's often young ppl who mix up Lust with Love :)
Keshi.
SP
ReplyDeleteI totally agree with you. I feel it is high time we move out of the cultural boundaries we have set for ourselves. I think it's important to differentiate between sex for purely physical pleasure versus two people who truly love each other and are not married.
SP
ReplyDeleteAs far as your question on whether we can live without marriage, I wouldn't want to live alone. I feel marriage is important. However, ur priorities in focus, long term goals & attitude in Life should be major factors on taking the decision.
We first need to understand what morality is. . . . All our questions and doubts about morality centre around sex, polygamy/monogamy and what not. Infact it wouldnt be wrong to say that we are such narrow minded creeps that we have reduced morality to abstinance from sex. Sex ix natural. Marriage is not. Morality too is not natural.
ReplyDeleteWhat is morality? where does morality come from? whats the basis of morality?
I think when we talk about morality there are certain fundamental principles we talk about
1. Universal harmony
whats universal harmony, universalise what you are doing, imagine how would the world be if everyone does what you are doing. . . for example you feel your friend has a better pencil than you have and you just flick it. . imagine and extend the idea, everyone would be a thief and nothing would be yours ever, you would hardly be able to trust anyone on earth.
take another example. . eating for taste ( and not for hunger) given a bowl of gulab jamuns you eat the whole of it . . come on you love it and you can not resist . . . Imagine how would the world be if everyone did that. . we would have a generation of unhealthy fat affluent people . . . and malnutritioned poor. . . the word healthy and fit would just be an imagination...
Take another example. . . pre-marital sex. . and this whole thing of justifying it. . . . imagine and you will have a society no body would know his father. . imagine . . and theres a lot that can be written here ...
2. responsibility and discipline . . . well yes responsibility and discipline decide what's moral and what's not.. . eating a lot may be as immoral as sex. . . and yes our reflex to a titilation is many a times immoral. . . what we do for our needs is not. . . sex for fun is immoral, eating for taste is as immoral theoretically... sex for love. . . do u understand that? or love for sex. . . ? do u understand any of these. . . i think thats just a lie for sex. . . .
having your bread and butter may be moral. . . only butter may not be . . . it is bad for health too...
bread and butter when rightly earned is good . . . and moral. . . otherwise it may not be
its the same about marriage and sex. . marriage being rightly earning it. . love being the bread and sex being the butter
I believe that if you are truly in love, then there is nothing wrong in expressing your feelings by the art of touch.
ReplyDeleteWhen and how do you know if you are truly in love? doesnt it always feel the same ?
I think it can only be decided when you have lived your life completely. before that its all transient.
-AA
Sex is part of Marriage. It's art of making love. Love has different forms and this is one of them.
ReplyDeleteYou don't have sex with any person.
As Sheetal wrote ***Sexual union is the "ultimate" act of givingness, openness, trust and honesty.***
If everyone started having pre-marital sex with different partners then they are married to where does givingness, openness, trust and honesty go?
You already gave it to one person now you are giving it to another person.
Like if one had many boyfriends/girlfriends before they got married & they had sex with all of them becoz they had so called love between them. So they gave same level of givingness, openness, trust and honesty to each of their bf's / gf's. This is an interesting modern concept. I wouldn't expect this from my daughter.
There won't be any difference between animal and human if we also change are sex partners like them due to circumstances. Finally we blame it all to the circumstances.
One needs to know the where to draw the line. Everything within a limit is good.
-AJ
Changes to the line in above post
ReplyDelete***I wouldn't expect this from my daughter.***
read as
***I wouldn't expect this from my daughter or son.***
Yes they can have bf and gf but have to make sure that they are committed to the relationship before giving up their Trust to that other person.
There is more to relationship then sex.
-AJ
I think sex if for procreation and not recreation.
ReplyDeleteThats the reason it should be after marriage, because procreation should be after marriage, thats again for the progeny
sex for any other reason is immoral.
thats the absolute of morality
we all are immoral in certain degrees. it all depends on how permisive we are.
Its all about convenience
-AA
if you are losing something and u dont know what u are losing does not mean u are losing nothing.
ReplyDeleteCharacter once lost is not easily regained.
and for those who think marriage is just a piece of paper . . . why not have that piece of paper first if its just that whats the big deal?
ReplyDeleteits because they know its not just that...
****>Was I talking of sex with any person anywhere in my post?
ReplyDelete"any person" here meant the person who just didn't have any feeling of love and just seem to show it becoz that person had lust. Love is very much confused with lust.
Marriages don't end up in divorces at the rate of which break ups happen. Marriages don't happen for
sex. It's does tie ppl in conjugal bliss and its not just something written on piece of paper.
****>I wasn't even talking of multiple partners here!!
Sorry I too wasn't talking about multiple partner too. You have misunderstood my statement. I meant If I had a gf and was sexually involved with her, then a year later I break up and hook up with another gal. And that went on with my life, every year having a different gal and being sexually active in all my rships.
That means I have given "the ultimate act of givingness, openness, trust and honesty to all of them." RIGHT ? And then I get married and I give the same to my wife. Is that right too?
The meaning of "Ultimate Act of Givingness, Openness, Trust and Honesty" doesn't have any value. Something that is unique has a highest price. Something that given to all its value decreases.
****>Are you trying to say that if one person who was in a r'ship and was sexually involved should not get married or hooked onto with anyone else, if his/her previous r'ship doesn't work?
No, I am not saying that if one rship breaks you cannot get married or hooked to another one.
Question was abt pre-marital sex in rship. I am saying you don't give yourself in the rship unless you know that person is really worth it.
You won't know untill marriage or may be some years down the marriage whether that guy or gal is really someone who loves you.
I am sure if that guy/gal loves you, he/she will wait for that sex till the time he/she is responsible enough to take charge of their lives together. You can call it marriage. Give whatever name you want.
You don't need to perform trial and error method for rships and have pre-marital sex with all ur rships till you find the right one with whom you decide to get married.
If you really feel the need to have sex at particular age. Feel you and the other person are responsible enough then they should get married.
It's lust, attraction not Love where ppl get very confused. What Keshi and Sheetal wrote is very true indeed.
-AJ
>Does anyone in this worl come with a guarantee tag?
ReplyDeleteNo one comes with a guarantee tag.
>How are you to ascertain that the person you are involved with is not going to kick you on ur a** at some point in life?
The Ups and Downs in life, and how that person handles it will ascertain you.
> Each experience in life makes you learn something.
Yes, thats what I meant, one must learn from experiences. When you get hurt it really feels very bad. The emotional trauma for few is unsurmountable. Becoz when sex becomes part of rship you have reached the highest regards for that
rship with respects to emotions, trust and honesty.
And you will never give this another person same level of attributes, trust, love which you gave in your prior rship.
-AJ
Amit
ReplyDeleteYou've got me all wrong! I am not condemning marriage. For me marriage is as sacred a constitution, just as it is for you. I too, like you, believe in marriage and all the goodness that comes along with it.
You get married to someone who who reflects our taste and status, who sees us for who we are, who loves us for all the ‘right’ reasons, who helps us become the person we want to be. If we are ready to spend our entire life with someone, then why not engage in physical intimacy before we tie the knot. My posts talk of pre marital sex with the person you LOVE, and are looking forward to a long term r'ship. Ofcourse, irrespective of the fact whether things would work out the way you want in future.
I was not advocating sex for the pleasue of fun and just because it is the "IN" thing to do. My debate was that if pre-marital sex is wrong before marriage, then kissing, holding hands, or any other form of touch before marriage is also wrong. Why do we draw the line only when it comes to pre-marital sex?
Love is the emotion that makes the world go round and makes you do all the crazy thngs. I sure do agree with you on that, too.
I think all expression of love is wrong before marriage :) even words :) love is no dependent on expression either.
ReplyDelete