Holy Sins.

Have you ever realized that living through new shades and seasons of life, you somewhere along the path part away with something that can never be re-gained..your INNOCENCE. Isn't it strange that while running the rat race, we never pause to think of what we are leaving behind forever.

My values have changed, I've instilled arrogance, even a tinge of manipulation and diplomacy. But I yearn to go back to my roots. I want to go back to being a simple vulnerable girl who was capable of crying oceans when hurt. A woman who looked at the world in shades of black or white, right or wrong, moral and immoral. I learnt the line between the blurs as I grew up facing the realities of everyday life. Like each one, I never wanted to go through the transient phase of dilemma...the transition just happened. I learnt the rules of survival quite quickly.

Look around and you will find everything's available for 'exchange'. You can trade for everything. Everything is quantifiable, there's a cost benefit analysis that preceds every decision. I have started to think solely in terms of my gain and my pleasure. Emotionality has been superceded by Rationality. To the extent that I have put a price tag on my body and soul while chasing materialism shamelessly, and you know what...there is no sense of guilt. I keep in touch with a friend only if he/she does, otherwise I leave no stone unturned to tell them that I am as busy as they are. And yet, I don't miss friendships. I miss love. Despite my faith being dwindled, and haven witnessed enuf infidelity, there's somethng that makes me want to believe in fairy tales and happy ever after's. I wanna believe in the virtues of trust, committment, and companionship. The kind of romance my grandparents shared, one that survived pangs of seperation and distance, and was flaming.

I want to wipe away those blemishes, undo all that hurt and re-kindle the faith. I don't want to bask in succulence of momemtary pleasure.

Can I free myself? Can I go back being untouched? Unhurt?